Over the last few weeks it seems that every week has seen the infidelities of another high profile celebrity exposed. Just a short time ago Tiger Woods, admired for his professional, squeaky clean image, John Terry, the captain of our national football squad and Ashley Cole, successful footballer who’s famous wife Cheryl Cole was reporting putting her career on hold to start a family seemed to have it all, but a kiss and tell story (or two) later, how their perfectly orchestrated lives have unraveled.
There has been much public debate as to whether the wives of these philandering celebrities should stand by their men or leave them, and as I write this the current status seems to be that Cheryl Cole (no children) wants a divorce, Toni Terry (two small children) is staying and declaring that her marriage has never been stronger and Elin Nordegrin (two small children) has yet to make a definitive decision.
Each set of individual circumstances are unique and no one is in a position to know better than the people in it whether a marriage is worth saving but what is true is that relationships are based on trust, and when trust has been broken by infidelity, it’s very hard to repair the damage however much you smile and hold hands for the media. The person who has been deceived may feel worthless and victimized and in the same way that a broken vase will still show the cracks long after it has been repaired, a marriage that survives infidelity may become strong again but will never be the same relationship that it was prior to the affair. People are, in certain circumstances, able to forgive, they are, if determined enough, able to move on, but they never really forget.
We feel full of hope and excitement when entering into a new relationship and see a beautiful journey leading to a rose covered cottage stretching out ahead of us. Although seen as unromantic, it is important to make our expectations of a relationship clear from the very beginning. Although people often assume their significant other will be faithful, communicating those expectations is vital in ensuring that you have the same expectations of the relationship. It also begins a process whereby you form lines of communication that will hopefully remain open and well utilized as your 
relationship progresses. It is important to make it clear that for you there are no circumstances in which infidelity is acceptable and also to discuss honestly the consequence of infidelity, as well as other matters so that both parties know where they stand from the outset.
The causes of infidelity are as varied as the people involved. It appears that for Tiger Woods and many celebrities before him, infidelity is something that they were unable to control due to an addiction to sex. Indeed a whole industry of therapy has sprung up to treat those so afflicted although there is little statistical data available on the success rates of these programmes. Others, such as Ashley Cole, blame their spouse for neglecting them, making them feel lonely and thereby pushing them to cheat, (although this inevitably begs the question as to how millions of people who also have incredibly busy partners and spend time alone manage quite successfully to remain faithful). Ironically another common excuse / reason for an affair is that the perpetrator felt pushed into it because they were suffocated by their spouse who was around too much and did not give them enough personal space. Ultimately, if an unhappy person wants out of a relationship or wants to have an extracurricular fling, they will attempt to justify their unfaithfulness any way they can.
Once an affair has been discovered, the guilty party naturally wants to limit the damage to his/ her own relationships with family and friends and this is why they will try to magnify their partner’s deficiencies in order to make their own actions look understandable if not laudable. In reality, it is rare that the damage to a relationship is completely one-sided, and whilst one person may be entirely responsible for choosing to have an affair, both parties must be responsible for the evolution of their relationship to that point. More often than not, it is the communication lines that go first as nights in front of the television replace nights sitting together talking and exhaustion of daily life replaces the excitement felt at the beginning of a relationship.
Celebrity or not, people react differently when they find out their spouse or significant other has been unfaithful. Some react with anger and aren’t willing to forgive, while others are determined to save the relationship at all costs. Initial feelings of desperation and forgiveness quite often turn into anger and resentment as time goes by and, those who find forgiveness easily immediately after the discovery of an infidelity can often find themselves in a much more hostile environment a few months down the line. After reality has fully set in, and the initial wave of support of friends and family has died down a little, the injured party may realise that their feelings for that person have actually permanently changed and that what they thought they were fighting to save has actually already disappeared.
As the old saying goes, one good turn deserves another, but some people think that one bad turn also deserves another. Revenge is a very self-destructive way to deal with infidelity. Finding out a spouse or significant other has been unfaithful tempts some to try and get back at that person by also having an affair. They think they will feel better after hurting the offender in the same manner in which they were hurt. In reality, the person initially deceived by their spouse or significant other will end up feeling even more pain in the long run, and any chances to save the relationship will be even further out of reach. Having a vengeful affair not only uses another innocent person with feelings, but it puts the final nails in the coffin of the relationship.
Due to various circumstances, some people were never meant to be together in the first place, and nothing could prevent the decline of the relationship. In other cases outside influences and situations were partially to blame for the demise of the situation, indeed sometimes it is the perception of being ‘untouchable’ which leads some people to feel that they can act without consequence. Whatever the circumstances that surround the breakdown of a relationship, those involved must examine the root of the problem. If it is determined that the couple should have never been together in the first place, it’s best they part ways. Those who find themselves understanding what went wrong can work toward repairing the damage so long as both parties are sincere in their words and actions. Although the trust that initially held the relationship together may never again be as strong, and certainly the relationship will never again be the same, it is possible for a couple to survive infidelity and learn from past mistakes in order to enjoy a satisfying relationship in the future. Whether the marriages of Messrs Woods, Terry and Cole can do the same has yet to be seen.
Executive and Life Coach, Rachael Wood, www.ogilviedavies.com can be contacted at Rachael@ogilviedavies.com and is an accredited full member of the Worldwide Association of Business Coaches.
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