For the first time working mothers now outnumber those who stay at home. So who’s happier? We asked three women who work….and THEIR mums who did not. Diana Appleyard spoke to three grandmothers – and their daughters – and asked: are we witnessing the death of the stay at home mum?
ANNE BATTEN, 72, lives in Laleham, Middlesex, with her husband Brian, 72, a retired marine engineer. The couple have four daughters, including Caroline Cooke, 34, who works full time running her business After Scho6l Nannies. She is married to Tristan, 37, a teacher, has one daughter, Tatiana, three, and lives in Wandsworth, South London.
ANNE SAYS: I feel very strongly that children need their mother at home. Even if I had the career opportunities women have today, I would still choose to be at home as a mother. That’s why I gave up work as soon as I fell pregnant in my mid-2Os.
I’d previously had a career as a physiotherapist, but like most women of my generation, I very much wanted to be a stay-at-home mum because I knew that would be the most rewarding life for me and my children.
Caroline says she works full time partly because she needs the money and partly because she loves her job, but I found that we got by on a lot less back then, and I was totally fulillled being at home.
I didn’t mind not having financial independence because I had a good relationship with my husband, and I felt I was contributing by bringing up the children and running the home.
Caroline doesn’t have the free time or the energy I did. But because she works so hard she does need me for child care. I get lots of desperate phone calls saying: ‘Mum, can you come and help because one of the children is ill.’
I’m always happy to help, but I think her generation is missing out on seeing their children grow up – little things such as Tatiana leanning a new word.
I couldn’t countenance being away from my young children for eight or nine hours a day. But then, the tenor of life has changed so radically. The anchors have gone from people’s lives, whatever anyone says about women being empowered by working.
CAROLINE SAYS: I used to have to ask the nanny what my daughter would like to eat at the weekend because I hadn’t a clue. I spent so much time at work that I was losing touch with my own child.
I used to work up to ten hours a day and on only one occasion did I have the time to take Tatiana to her music group when I felt like a stranger because I didn’t know any of the other mums. it was a horrible feeling.
Yet, I think staying at home with her all the time would drive me up the wall. I hate housework – I employ someone to do my cleaning and ironing – and would miss the stimulation I get from being at work.
There is a financial imperative as well. Women of my generation choose to work full time because we want to provide a lovely home for our children, with toys, new clothes and holidays, and all that costs money.
After leaving university, I worked in public relations for 12 years. When Tatiana was born, I employed a nanny who I shared with my sister and went back to work after six months.
Inevitably, I found it hard. You feel so torn because you know you’re missing out on your child’s life, but you have a responsibility to your career as well. That’s why I set up my own company so I could have more control of my hours. I now work around eight hours a day, and I can do some of the work in the evenings.
During my childhood, Mum was always there to greet me when I got back from school, and she made a very stable home for us all.
I do worry that Tatiana doesn’t have that much stability, and I’m sure Mum thinks I do too much, but women’s lives are very different today. We have more opportunities and I’m determined to make the most of them.
JOSIE DUGDALE, 51, works part time as an interior designer. She lives in Harrow, North-West London, and is separated from her husband. She has three children, including Jo, 28, who has a daughter Tia, three. Jo lives separately from her daughter’s father: Damian, 33, a model. They are still a couple, but Jo says she enjoys her independence. She lives in Harlow, Essex, and works full time running the fashion label Milla.
JOSIE SAYS: All I ever wanted to be was a housewife because in my eyes that was a career. My mother stayed at home, too, so it felt perfectly natural that when I met Jo’s father (who had his own music agency) and we started a family, I decided to stay at home.
The plan went awry when we separated. I did not have many flnancial worries as my husband was well off, but because the children were at secondary school by that time, I thought I should do something with my time and go out to work.
I took a job as a researcher but if one of the children was ill it threw all my plans into chaos. I also hated the thought of them coming home to an
empty house, so I gave up the job. I know Jo thinks that I suffered because I did not have a real career, but then I feel she suffers because she works so hard.
Jo has always been driven – she has worked from the age of 16, starting in a fashion boutique. When Tia arrived she had just two months off, but since then I don’t think she could have coped without my support.
When she was working at Harrods as a fashion buyer and travelling abroad a lot, I would have Tia to stay for days on end. But I do think that a child is best for having their own mother in the house. Caring for Tia got too much for me and I had to gently remind Jo I have a life, too.
I now look after Tia on Mondays and Tuesdays, the rest of the time she is with her father or at a private nursery. I often pick her up from there at 5pm, and then she stays with me until Jo comes home at 8pm or so. That isn’t every night, but Jo sometimes has to work late.
I do feel sometimes that I am taken for granted, but that’s what mothers are for, isn’t it? I can see that what happened to me – being separated and lacking independence – has influenced Jo, but I think she does push herself too hard sometimes.
JO SAYS: Mum was at home when I was growing up, but instead of that msking me feel more secure I hated the fact that she was so dependent on my father. When they separated she was left high and dry because she did not have a career. Since then, I’ve been determined never to make myself financially dependent on a man.
I studied at the London College of Fashion, later working as a buyer for Prada and then Harrods.
Last year I set up my fashion business with a friend and it is doing very well. We’re selling to the likes of Liberty and Selfridges, so I always seem to be rushed off my feet.
I work at least nine or ten hours a day. I miss being around to see Tia’s first steps or just how she reacts to things. I feel very guilty about that, but I am building the business so that in the future I wili be able to spend more time with her as well as give her everything she could want in life.
Mum helps me with childcare two days a week. I am very grateful for her support – I couldn’t do without it – and she and Tia have a great relationship. In fact, she calls her ‘Mummy’ as well as me.
I probably do take Mum for granted, but she and Tia are so close. I know Mum worries about me and thinks I work too hard, but she can see I am doing it for Tia.
I would love more time with my daughter, but being at home all day would bore me to death. I’m not very domestic and I love the creativity and stimulation of work. I also love being independent financially – I think that’s at the heart bf it. I just don’t believe that women of my generation want to rely on a man.
CARRIE WINGROVE, 58, works part time in the family flooring and furnishing business, and lives with her husband Malcolm, 58, who ruus two companies, in East Sheen, South-west London. They have a son, Alexander, and a daughter Cordie Wingrove, 34, who also works in the family business. Cordie lives in Islewcrth, South-west London, with her partner Sam, 32, a furniture dealer, and has one daughter, Alexandra, 11, from a previous relatiouship.
CARRIE SAYS: Cordie is a capable mother and very good in the workplace, but the tragedy is that she doesn’t have the time or the energy to enjoy either. Every day is a juggling act from the moment she wakes up.
I have a degree in occupational therapy but I was happy to give up my career to look after my children.
My parents were artists and my childhood wasn’t particularly happy so I was determined to ensure that I’d have a successful and happy family of my own.
I think that children benefit from having a mother at home, but I would never lay down the law and say that is what Cordie should do. She worked really hard when she was a single mum, and it was tough for her.
Many women today look back on us stay-at-home mothers as if we were some kind of under-class. But full-time mothers do the most important job of all: they ensure the stability and happiness of the next generation.
It’s not an easy option. When the children were young it was particularly difficult because our son Alexander is autistic. He never slept after midnight, which was exhausting for all of us.
But nothing is as rewarding as bringing up your children, and when Cordie left home ahd Alexander moved into residential accommodation, I felt like my reason for being had been taken away. I worry that when this generation of children leave home, many working mothers are going to think: ‘What time did I have with them?’ But by then it will be too late.
CORDIE SAYS: When I was growing up, Mum was always at home after school to help me with my homework and feed me and my brother lovely home-cooked meals. Dad was busy running the family business so Mum was our stability. Now I often compare myself to her and find myself wanting.
But I don’t think I’m harming my daughter by working. I usually work nine-to-five, but I make sure I take time off to attend school concerts, and at weekends Ali and I do lots of things together. I try not to work in the evenings.
But there are positive things about being a working mum. It means that Ali has a strong relationship with my mother and I think I am a good role model for my daughter.
Life is much easier now that my partner Sam is in our lives – he has
made a huge difference in taking the financial and emotional pressure off me being a single mum.
Like many women today, I work because I need to. I became pregnant with All by accident when Iwas in my early 20s, and six months after she was born my relationship with her father ended.
For the next six years (until I met Sam) I was a single mother and even though my parents have been very supportive – providing me with everything from childcare to accommodation – I’ve had no choice but to work.
Sometimes Ali complains that she doesn’t see enough of me, but that has improved.
It’s hard when you have grown up with a traditional stay-at-home mother and you feel that by going out to work you aren’t living up to her example. But I am doing the best I can to give my daughter a secure and happy life, and I think I’ve got the balance right.
Ali knows I’m always there for her, and I gain independence and stimulation from being a career woman.
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