We all know we should be using our cars less and doing more exercise – the Cycle to Work Scheme is designed to encourage just that. The scheme offers tax exemption to employers who loan bikes to their employees and can be taken advantage of by businesses of all sizes, across the public, private and voluntary sectors. Tax exemption applies not only to the cycles, but accompanying equipment too; such as helmets, lights, bells, reflective clothing and puncture repair kits.

Employers who want to get involved must proceed with caution however, as HMRC is ramping up its tax investigations this autumn in a bid to claw back some extra cash, part of its contribution to reducing the budget deficit. Anyone that abuses the scheme may end-up losing their tax exemption.

How the scheme works:

• Bike usage

To qualify as a tax free cycle, the bike in question should be used mainly for travelling to work and on work related business, although other personal use is permitted. An expensive touring cycle that is never used for work journeys will not be covered.

• Available to everyone

The cycles and cyclists’ safety equipment loaned by the employer under the scheme must be available to all employees generally, with no groups excluded.

• Salary plus

This approach is simple to set-up – an employer just buys bicycles and associated equipment and then loans it to employees.  As a business expense, the cost of providing this equipment is reduced by claiming the VAT incurred under the normal rules, and by making use of any capital allowances available.  This arrangement does not affect an employee’s normal salary.

If the employer wants to recover the cost of providing the cycle and safety equipment loaned to the employee, this can be done through a ‘salary sacrifice’ arrangement.

• Salary sacrifice

This involves incorporating the loan into staff salaries, reducing their wages proportionately. The arrangement must be agreed with relevant parties in advance. This approach doesn’t work for staff on the National Minimum Wage as their pay cannot be cut.

• Automatic transfer

It is common-place for employees on the scheme to purchase the cycle from their employer at the end of the loan period. The Taxman says that this should happen automatically or tax exemption for the scheme will be lost.

• Market value

The market value of the bicycle must be established in order for the employee to purchase it. If the employee pays the employer less than the bike is worth then the difference is treated as income, subject to tax and National Insurance (NI). With top of the range cycles costing several thousands of pounds, the second hand value can be quite significant.

Establishing the market value of cycles can be difficult. HMRC has tried to simplify the approach by creating a valuation table for use as a guide. This can be viewed here: http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/manuals/eimanual/EIM21667a.htm

The valuation table does not apply to cycles with a special value – bikes that cost more than usual due to unusual features or provenance, such as collectable or antique cycles.

If employers chose to use lower values, it remains open to HMRC to challenge these. The employer/employee would need to provide evidence in support of these values. This includes proof that the employee could not have made more than they paid for the bike if they sold it on. Valid evidence includes a photograph of the bike demonstrating its condition and a description of any aspects not evident in the picture, such as how much the cycle has been used.

If implemented correctly the Cycle to Work Scheme is a great way to create a healthy workforce as well as cutting a business’ carbon footprint. For more information on how to get started, visit: http://www.dft.gov.uk/pgr/sustainable/cycling/cycletoworkguidance/.

Several hands shoot up and I say: ‘Come on then, Annie. After you, we’ll have Liz and then Becky.’ I smile encouragingly at the children and they grin back, proud to be chosen to read.

You might think there’s nothing wrong with this scenario, but it happened at a co-educational, not a girls’ school. Not a single boy was chosen to read out of my class of 28 pupils simply because not a single boy volunteered.

And it’s not just reading aloud boys show little enthusiasm for – they don’t like to put themselves forward in any subject. In fact, it’s my view that boys have been disenfranchised from education. By secondary school (the age group I teach), I would say the vast majority of them have lost interest all together.

By the time they reach 11 or 12, the idea that they aren’t as good as girls has been reinforced – and the result is lack of confidence and, quite often, a retreat into bad behaviour.

In a study presented this week at the British Educational Research association annual conference, researchers demonstrated that girls as young as four believe they are cleverer, try harder and are better behaved than boys of the same age.

Bonny Hartley, the study’s leader, said: ‘By seven or eight, children of both genders believe boys are less focused, able and successful than girls.’

But who is to blame for this? according to the research, the answer is female teachers.

Admittedly, it focuses on primary school children and 90 per cent of their teachers are female, but we do tend to castigate boys for being ’silly’ and for not ’sitting nicely’ like girls. We tell them off for wanting to play with inappropriate toys like guns, rather than showing them how to play responsibly in a boyish way.

Boys in their early teens like to run about and play-fight. On duty in the playground, I’ve often shouted at boys to ‘Stop running!’ Once – to my shame – I even yelled: ‘Stop kicking that ball so hard. Can’t you just throw it nicely?’

I was met with puzzled frowns. ‘What, like in netball, miss?’ asked young Simon, with a perfectly straight face.

Is it because I’m a female teacher that I treat the boys like this? It’s true that boys’ schools are more likely to encourage male behaviour – healthy competitiveness is encouraged and sports have a higher profile. and I hate to say it, but I believe it’s because there tend to be more male teachers and consequently a more male ethos in these establishments.

And yet my gender cannot shoulder full responsibility – changes within society are the root cause. These days we live in a culture that is risk averse. I tell boys off for running because what if a running child trips and falls? I might have some questions to answer.

A parent might try to sue us. Far better to try to insist that boys ‘calm down’ and ’sit still’ – behave more like girls in other words.

Of course, there’s more to it than that. Our society teaches that the traditionally masculine roles of father, breadwinner and protector are outdated and sexist.

Spiralling numbers of children are being brought up without fathers. Without any positive male role models in their lives, it’s no coincidence vast swathes of young men are unemployable. Thousands of boys leave education every year without a single qualification, content to spend their lives on benefits.

In 2009, 50 per cent of girls went into higher education; only 38 per cent of boys did.

But what worries me most is the recent suggestion that the medical condition attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is an example of excitable behaviour typically associated with boys.

In a culture that no longer tolerates masculinity, excessive boyishness may have been turned into an illness. ADHD is diagnosed in nine times as many boys as girls, and there were 461,000 prescriptions written out for Ritalin, the drug used to treat it, in 2007.

There is no blood test for ADHD – it’s diagnosed through a checklist of symptoms such as fidgeting, an inability to concentrate and running around.

But it’s not just as a teacher I’ve witnessed the suppression of masculine attributes. I only have to look at the books my four-year-old daughter reads to see it’s a message fed to children from a very young age.

There’s Charlie & Lola, the hugely popular series by Lauren Child. Personally, I was dismayed. Lola is a spoilt diva who bosses her wimpy older brother Charlie about.

Charlie’s role in these stories is to patiently explain to Lola why she must eat her peas or why she shouldn’t insist that all his friends eat pink fairy cakes at his birthday party.

Postman Pat, Percy The Park Keeper – they might be men, but they lack any defining male characteristics. These characters are asexual and frankly dull. Percy potters about in his shed, park or kitchen. No catching spies, cracking codes or submarine adventures for these two. They are uninspiring and insipid.

Traditionally male characteristics such as strength, competitiveness and authority are invisible in modern children’s literature because they are not valued in our society.

And I for one don’t want my daughter growing up in a society which tells her she’s in charge because she’s a girl. I don’t want my four-year-old to grow up in a culture that diminishes men and boys.

Crucially, I want her to go to a school that promotes equality and allows for difference.

It’s time to stop the senseless castigation and denigration of boys. Ultimately, it harms us all.

Hundreds of entries were received for the awards, which celebrate the benefits of remoting working, and the judges selected the winners based on the individuals or companies that demonstrated how remote working had created the greatest positive impact on their work life.

Mick Hegarty, strategy and commercial director, BT Business said: “It is estimated that 3.5m people work from home and BT Business research shows that 55 per cent of the UK’s employees are working from home more often than they did before in the current climate. These awards highlight some of the best examples of how remote workers are helping the environment, increasing business productivity and improving quality of life. The commitment of these fantastic award winners coupled with technology that enables flexible working means that even more people can now work in this way and get more out of their working and home lives.”

Paula Wynne, Founder of Remote Employment and organiser of the Remote Worker Awards, said: “It has been a highly rewarding experience to see the wide variety of talented people who embrace flexible working and seeing just how many companies champion it. It’s been such a pleasure reading the variety of entries and choosing such deserving winners.”

The categories and winners of the Remote Worker Awards (more details can be found at remoteworkerawards.com):

The BT Home Business Award: Becci Coombes-Burr, Billingshurst, West Sussex
Girls Travel Club is an online boutique specialising in travel accessories and gifts for women. It began as a small internet home business, after Becci returned from travelling around the world and couldn’t find anyone catering for the women’s travel and outdoor market. Run from a charming Second World War Anderson Bunker in Becci’s garden, Girls Travel Club’s ethos is to sell what women need for travelling, with an emphasis on stylish design, practicality and ethical credentials. It now has excellent web and press presence, employs three people and is growing in size and strength every day.

Working in partnership with many credible women’s safety organizations, Becci is also a recommended adviser on the Foreign Office’s Gap Year site and has supplied equipment to the Department of International Development for peace-keeping missions. The judges were impressed with Becci’s determination and fortitude, and believe Girls Travel Club is an excellent example of a successful internet home business born out of expediency, necessity and the motivation of its founder.

The Microsoft Remote Worker Award: Shirley Pickford, Oakenholt, Flint
Remote working gives both Shirley and her employer, Anglia Ruskin University, based in Cambridge, superb benefits. Exploring the use of new technologies and social media to work with staff and students has increased Shirley’s productive work time. Remote lecturing has its rewards communicating and collaborating with people, regardless of geographical location. The support of Anglia Ruskin University has been crucial in developing an approach that is successful for Shirley and her students.

The Lexmark Home Worker Award: Andrea Dalziel, Harefield, Middlesex
Andrea’s strong work ethic impressed the judges who found her to be a worthy winner after she literally transformed her work and personal life by working remotely. Despite her disability, she works from home for her employer, Naked Nutrition, while taking care of her three children. Not to be taken lightly, Andrea also advises others thinking of working from home to ensure they separate their home and work lives as much as possible to avoid the normal, everyday distractions that go on in the house.

The PCG Freelancer Award: Jane Rimmer, Binfield
As an IT industry marketing veteran, Jane decided to set up a marketing consultancy business that would enable her to maintain a better work life balance and remain at the forefront of new technology innovation.  She has achieved both and has gained a bevy of clients over the past five years.

The Babyworld Parentpreneur Award: Amanda Allerton, Dusky Corsham, Wiltshire
Amanda’s Dusky Moon gives families a better night’s sleep. Using their parenting experience, friends and business partners, Amanda and Venetia, create innovative, luxurious sleep products for under 7s. Their first product, Dream Tubes, a revolutionary soft bed guard is sold in 150 UK outlets and 35 countries.

The Arise Be Your Own Boss Award: Deborah Andrioli, from Stratford-upon-Avon
Deborah, a former PR and Marketing Manager for The Press Association, gave up her job three years ago, to care for her two young children, one of whom has Asperger’s Syndrome and has founded an after-school club for children with autism in her local area. As a woman of great determination, who will use her media skills to promote and grow her own business, she is now keen to establish her own venture and can’t wait to get ‘stuck into her community magazine’.

The Lucent Vision New Internet Business Award: Victoria Bell, Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire
The judges found Victoria to be an all-rounder as she has a diverse range of skills including marketing, advertising, PR and website development. Her BA (Hons) degree, along with her passion and intelligence will ensure she channels her energy into making her own business a success. Victoria is self-motivated and so keen to create her own website, she took it upon herself to learn a new skill and teach herself Adobe Dreamweaver and html coding. Victoria is a worthy winner who will pursue her dream of owning her own business at all costs.

The BlackBerry Remote Employer Award: Amanda Potter, Coulsdon, Surrey
Amanda is Managing Director of Zircon Management Consulting, an entrepreneurial Business Psychology Company specialising in Talent Assessment, Development, Coaching and Engagement Consulting. Established in 2000, Amanda draws their expertise from a team of 140 remote consultants to deliver creative solutions for their clients. Amanda’s choice to run Zircon as a remote business was due to cost, environmental friendliness and a flexible lifestyle for her growing work force. The judges gave credit to Amanda and her team for proving that having a remote work force enables companies to improve business productivity with an eco solution, whilst giving their team the opportunity to have autonomy and a positive lifestyle. Zircon have grown year on year and also encourage new Graduate Psychologists who come into the business by offering them interim roles and placements.

The Helen O’ Grady Special Award: Janine van den Berg from Harrow, Middlesex
Janine’s background in the arts and in particular acting and singing, made her an excellent candidate to operate a Helen O’Grady Drama Academy. Her passions for children and the theatre, along with her business experience, provide her with all the necessary credentials to be a most successful Academy owner. Janine will bring energy, enthusiasm and a positive approach to running her own business.

They are reinforcing stereotypes that boys are ‘silly’ in class, refuse to ‘sit nicely like the girls’ and are more likely to indulge in ‘schoolboy pranks’.

Women teachers may also unwittingly perpetuate low expectations of boys’ academic achievement and encourage girls to work harder by letting them think they are cleverer.

Schools should avoid dividing pupils into ability groups because the practice often results in girls dominating the higher-achieving tables, concluded the Kent University research.

The study of primary schools in the county suggests that under-performance among boys in most national exams could be linked to lower expectations.

The research mainly implicates women teachers, since nearly 90 per cent of primary school teachers are female. It warned that school staff find boys’ play, such as wielding toy guns, ‘particularly challenging and difficult’.

Boys are punished and urged to conform to a more feminine style of play instead of being taught how to play responsibly with their preferred toys.

Bonny Hartley, the study’s lead author, said: ‘By seven or eight years old, children of both genders believe that boys are less focused, able, and successful than girls – and think that adults endorse this stereotype. There are signs that these expectations have the potential to become self-fulfilling in influencing
children’s actual conduct and achievement.’

Girls as young as four think they are cleverer, try harder and are better behaved than equivalent boys, her study found.

By the age of seven and eight, boys also believe that their female classmates are more likely have these qualities.

For the study, 238 children aged four to ten were presented with a series of scenarios such as ‘this child is really clever’ and ‘this child always finishes their work’.

They were then asked to point to a picture of a boy or a girl to say which they thought was being talked about.

The findings show that from the first year of school girls said their sex was more likely to record better conduct and achievement.

From the age of eight, boys were also more likely to say that girls had better performance, motivation and effort, self-control and conduct.

In the second part of the study – being presented today at the British Educational Research Association annual conference at Warwick University – the children were asked if adults believed boys or girls were cleverer and better behaved.

From an early age, girls believe grown-ups think girls have better conduct and achievement.

Boys develop the same beliefs around the age of eight.

The study drew no distinction between the beliefs and classroom practices of male and female teachers.

Further research by the same team will consider the specific gender stereotypes held by teachers.

Indira Histon, 34, a human resources and development manager, claimed she was asked to lie to BBC lawyers so the manager, who had taken voluntary redundancy, would receive the £257,000 pay-off.

She told the Watford Employment Tribunal she questioned the payout as it amounted to a misuse of licence fee-payers’ money’ since BBC guidelines stated that management interest terminations were subject to a cap of one year’s pay.

Ms Histon claimed she subsequently suffered ‘detrimental treatment and bullying’ after objecting to the two-year pay off for Sue Lynas, the corporation’s director of marketing communication and audiences.

Ms Histon said that in August last year she had been asked by senior staff members to come up with a ‘creative’ payoff for Ms Lynas, who was due to retire in June this year, that they could push through the finance approval process. ‘This was a very large pay-off and was likely to be scrutinised by BBC management,’ she added.

‘The team and I were shocked by the suggestion that we would pay this amount of money to an individual particularly as we believed the pay off was excessive for a management interest termination and amounted to a misuse of licence payers money.’

The BBC argued that its senior executives ‘considered that there was a business case for not imposing the limit of 12 months’ pay, which was usually applied by the BBC to compromise agreements in cases of consensual termination’.

A BBC spokesman said after the agreement: ‘We are pleased that this matter has been resolved. The allegations, which have been withdrawn by the claimant, were without merit and strongly denied by the BBC throughout.’

Ms Histon, of Crown Street, Acton, earned £50,000 a year working at the Television Centre in Wood Lane. She withdrew her tribunal claim after reaching a settlement.

The BBC said she would be leaving her position soon.

The next biggest dress-code mistake is a black bra underneath a white top.

The research also showed that men ruin their prospects most swiftly by turning up in a badly ironed shirt, high-waisted trousers or comedy tie.

The survey of 2,000 employers, commissioned by high-street clothes store TK Maxx, also found that a third of bosses make a decision in the first 90 seconds of an interview.

Experts warn today’s extremely competitive job market means it has never been so important to dress appropriately – with hundreds of people applying for each post.

A third of employers make a decision in the first 90 seconds of an interview.

And 65 per cent claim clothing could be the deciding factor if two candidates are neck and neck in other areas.

The survey of 2,000 employers was commissioned by high street clothes store TK Maxx.

Recruitment manager Kieran How, from national recruitment firm Eden Brown, said it was best to ‘play it safe’ at a job interview.

He said: ‘I have never known such a competitive job market. In some sectors there are hundreds of people applying for each job.

‘It is vital you give a good first impression by wearing the right clothes or you may have ruined your chances before you’ve even opened your mouth.

‘Some bosses may like to see a pretty girl in a tight-fitting top flashing a lot of cleavage but you rarely know who will be interviewing you.

‘It is advisable to play it safe by wearing well-fitted, ironed clothes in neutral colours.

‘Men should shave, avoid comedy ties and pay just as much attention to their appearance as women.

‘Recently I had one man turn up for a job interview wearing a stetson hat and cowboy-style tie because he thought it would be a good idea to stand out.

‘The client refused to take him seriously and sent him home after ten minutes.

‘Job interviews are not the place to try fancy dress or to show off your most revealing party clothes.’

Job seekers were marked down for wearing bright and trendy colours, with seven out of ten employers saying they do not appreciate people trying to be fashionable.

An overwhelming 81 per cent of employers said wearing a suit to interview suggests you are organised and efficient.

Helen Gunter of TK Maxx, which is stocking a new range of professional workwear for men and women, said: ‘The jobs market is competitively fierce.

‘One thing that can give candidates a boost of confidence before they even walk through the door is knowing they are wearing the right outfit.

‘We are receiving a huge delivery of smartwear for both men and women all at up to 60 per cent of the recommended retail price.

‘There really is no excuse for fluffing the interview before you’ve even answered the first question.’

A recently released 71 page Draft Code of Practice on Equal Pay might well cause some knitted eyebrows – and even the odd protruding lower lip.

Some employers have been ignoring existing equal pay legislation for 40 years, of course.  They pay females less by attaching less kudos to their roles and by using contracts to stop staff from discussing and comparing pay.  Recent case law, such as where cleaners successfully proved they should be on the same pay scales as say dustmen or gardeners, might cause temporary squirming for employers, but on the whole the pay gap remains.

So how does the new draft code fit in? The draft code is intended to provide guidance about how the Equality Act 2010 will affect equal pay claims and what employers must do to ensure their pay schemes are transparent and fair.  The reason for the baffled hostility, which some employers will exhibit, is that the only things in the draft code which is easy for small businesses to understand is that the draft code definitely affects them and it will definitely come into effect on October 1st.

The first confusion is that the draft code describes itself as a “statutory draft code.” Despite appearances, this does not mean it contains any legal obligations for employers. The draft code is merely intended to shed light on the legal obligations set out in the EA 2010.

Some may imagine that the idea that men and women doing equal work are entitled to equal pay ought to be pretty simple. This is not so. Employers must familiarise themselves with three different ways of determining what equal work means. There is “like work” which means employees have similar job functions without material differences. Then there is “work rated as equivalent” which is where an employer’s own job evaluation process gives an employee  the same status as another colleague who has a different role – for example secretaries being on the same level as telesales staff. And finally there is “work of equal value” – which is where two job functions might be completely different but will need similar levels of effort, skill and decision making ability.

Employers would be well advised to carry out an audit of different job functions to clarify exactly how different roles might be counted under the three definitions of equal work.

Bosses will no longer be able to rely on staff being unaware of what colleagues are paid – because gagging clauses in employment contracts, which prevent staff from disclosing their pay to each other, will become unenforceable. This will probably mean many will face claims.

But the draft code also provides some useful pointers about how a company can defend itself from an equal pay claim. It is an obviously good idea to have these defences in mind when re-evaluating and structuring transparent new pay scales.

Companies can defend pay differences by saying there is a “material factor” to justify them. They could say, for example, that there is a skills shortage in one job – meaning pay has to be higher. Other factors might be unsociable hours for shifts or geographical, such as London weighting. They will, however, have to prove that this defence is true and not a sham excuse for discrimination.

Another defence is to show that some pay discrepancy is a proportionate means to a legitimate end. For example an employer can pay more for a night shift – to attract workers. It will not be discriminatory even if most of the night shift is male. Again the draft code provides scenarios where this defence might work.

>> The draft code is here:
http://www.equalityhumanrights.com/uploaded_files/EqualityAct/equal_pay_draft code_final.pdf

>> Peta Fluendy is employment law consultant at Sutton based De Brett and Co’s
http://www.iambeingfired.co.uk/

A few weeks ago I overheard a discussion about responsibilities at work where someone commented that they felt overburdened with their task list. The response was unhelpful. They were simply told that ‘overload is a matter of perspective’ and that they were imagining a problem.

One person’s mountain of paperwork is another person’s challenge, as some people can handle heavier workloads than others. Yet a Chartered Management Institute survey shows that to cope with excessive amounts of work, the average manager works 1.3 hours a day over contract – roughly 40 extra days a year.

You cannot afford to let the situation get out of control, as the likely result will be missed deadlines and poor performance. Talk to your line manager and explain the problem before that happens – they have a duty of care to ensure you are able to deliver.

You will be expected to take some responsibility yourself and the key to managing overload is to develop an attitude of control.

Organise yourself by spending a few minutes at the start of each day working out what you need to do and what information is required. Ignore anything else – train yourself to focus. Control the environment in which you work. Have a clear desk and turn off your emails for a while.

This will enable you to handle one task at a time with a clear mind.

If you find you are making mistakes or having to re-read information, it is time for a break. You are more likely to succeed if you keep yourself refreshed.

Turn to others for help. One person covering for several staff is just not practical. Asking other members of the team to help is not a sign of weakness but rather an indication that you are thinking
of the team as a whole.

We’re all set to go when Miss Argentina, the cross-dressing three-year-old, tells me he has Barbie’s earring in his ear. I fear the worst. Have the girls progressed from dressing him up to piercings? What next? Tattoos?

‘It’s inside my ear,’ he sighs, rolling his eyes.

It is, indeed, inside his ear — and just out of fingertip reach. It seems he poked it in after Barbie lost it when her head came off during a tussle with Evil Dr Pork Chop from Toy Story 3. (It’s tough being a blonde in this city.)

I call our GP and wait eight minutes for a receptionist with a sympathy by-pass to answer.

‘Don’t come here, go to A&E,’ she orders. ‘They have specialist equipment.’

‘What specialist equipment?’ I ask. ‘Tweezers?’

So off we go, pool outing abandoned. The only bit of luck that follows is the early arrival of Grandma on a rare trip to London. She looks after the girls while I drive the toddler to casualty.

The inner city hospital car park is suitable only for midgets in mini-convertibles. And as the roof box is on our car (packed for our trip to Cornwall the next day), it won’t fit in the pay and display.

I finally park Dukes of ­Hazard-style on a meter, race to the ticket machine where, of course, I can only scrape together enough money for an hour.

There are a variety of queues on offer at A&E. A visitor with a limp advises me to go to the GP’s room first. That’s the procedure, he tells me.

The doctor there sees us ­immediately and shakes his head. ‘I can’t get that out,’ he says, handing me a slip of paper with ‘FB something ear’ scrawled on it. I hope FB means foreign body not foolish boy.

We go to another queue, then that office shuts and we’re herded to another queue. A receptionist finally takes our details.

‘How big is the ­earring?’ she asks.

‘Well, it’s like a small human’s earring,’ I say. I’m flustered and a bit sweaty. She looks at me blankly.

‘I don’t mean small human, as in Kylie — I mean it’s smaller than, say, my earring.

‘It’s purple,’ I add helpfully. ‘Pink,’ the toddler corrects me.

‘Take a seat,’ she says, and I ask if I have time to nip outside to use the mobile (which won’t work in A&E). I fear the car is about to be towed and I want my husband to pick it up before Barbie’s earring costs a small fortune.

‘No,’ the receptionist says, pointing to a pay phone.

Naturally, due to the laws of chaotic parenting, I have only copper coins in my purse. A ­helpful man with one good arm and one bad arm tries to root out some 20p pieces from his ­wallet. Money goes everywhere. I ring Mr Candy.

‘I need you to get the car from a road near the hospital because I’m in A&E. Henry has a Barbie earring stuck in his ear,’ I speedily explain.

‘I see,’ he says. ‘Which one?’

‘What do you mean “Which one”? The right one,’ I answer.

‘I mean which hospital?’

Click, the line goes dead.

‘A nurse will see you now,’ a voice says.

The lovely nurse tries three times using her specialist equipment (tweezers) to get the earring out, but it’s a passing ­doctor who finally swiftly removes it. We race to the car past the approaching warden.

At home, the girls have little sympathy for their brother, who has ruined their day. Grandma is showing them pictures on her mobile phone.

‘You see,’ she explains, failing to see any irony in her conversation, ‘that’s me, 62-and-a-half, having my first ever swimming lesson ­yesterday. I’ve never been in a pool before.’

I reach for the wine. Gracie-in-the-middle gives me one of her wonderful tension-breaking smiles.

‘So you, Grandma,’ she says wisely, ‘are an FB in that pool.’ Maybe I should have just stayed at work.