Bennetts does raise some valid points; obviously there is a financial risk when depending on a spouse for support. Equally having opted out of your career it is not always so easy to opt back in, particularly at a similar level to when you left. She argues that women often make these crucial life choices in virtual ignorance of the long-term consequences and that many will be blind-sided by painful challenges in the years to come. Half will get divorced; others will have to cope with a spouse’s illness, incapacitation or premature death. Then there’s unemployment: many men lose their jobs at some point, which can have a catastrophic effect when the husband is a family’s only breadwinner.

When you add up all the risks, she argues, it becomes clear that most women who relinquish their financial independence by quitting work will eventually find themselves on the wrong side of the odds with enormous consequences for them and their children.

It is of course true that today many marriages do not go the distance but is it right to assume failure in the decisions that we make?  If you follow the argument to its logical conclusion, if we do not have sufficient faith in our marriages to feel secure in giving up or taking a break from our careers, then surely we should call in lawyers to draw up a pre-nup to protect our hard earned assets even before we call our friends to announce our engagement.  And, as has long been debated, if you are drawing up a pre-nup because you think that your marriage may fail, why bother even walking down the aisle?

Yes, there could be challenging times ahead if your marriage does break down and you find yourself in financial hardship but as the recent global recession taught many of us it is not just errant husbands that leave us having to be creative to make ends meet.

Why would we assume that a woman who was driven to achieve in her career prior to having children would have lost that skill afterwards?  Indeed, with one of the fastest growing groups of entrepreneurs being single mothers it seems that far from turning our backs on work we are in fact simply moving away from third party employment to the greater flexibility of running our own businesses.

Prior to having children I ran a large listed company with offices in 8 countries, 1000s of employees and consequently enormous demands on my time.  I left home at 5.15am and rarely returned before 10.30pm with frequent trips around the world thrown in.  I waited until my mid 30s to have my children and it certainly never occurred to me that I would not be the person they opened their eyes to in the morning or the one that kissed them goodnight each evening.  Yes, I still work which is a personal choice but if I compare my income now to the very significant rewards of my old job or if I compare the number of hours per week I dedicate to my work today compared to the 100 plus hours that I used to work then certainly I have chosen to ‘sacrifice’ my career for my family and for me it is absolutely the right decision.  Admittedly, it is strange to have moved from being the main breadwinner to being very definitely the lesser contributor to our family pot but the change has allowed my husband the space to fulfill his potential and his businesses have enjoyed huge success with his extra attention.  For me, the decision to spend more time at home was a strong and positive one rather than an ill thought out gamble.

Surely, the key is to ensure that your choices work with your lifestyle?  Just as the Board of a company has to ensure that everything is taken care of along the way to a healthy P and L, any couple running a family and household have to ensure that someone is there to provide a secure environment for children, that someone contributes more financially each month than is spent and that someone keeps the house running from day to day.  Who does what is surely irrelevant as long as everything is covered and why should we assume that women who choose to stay at home are powerless or men that choose to provide financially unappreciative?

True, stay-at-home wives don’t get directly paid for their contributions and therefore they assume a degree of economic risk. If a couple divorces, the breadwinner walks away with the family’s major asset, which is a career. In this sad circumstance one would hope that the partner with the career would behave appropriately to his (or her) ex spouse but where this is not the case the legal system steps in and, in most cases, ensures the security of the children’s environment for the future.

Bennetts goes on to warn us that even if our husbandsdon’t leave, they can fall sick or die again leaving the career less woman destitute.  I don’t know of anyone who has children who has not taken out some sort of life insurance and this seems a far more rational response to something which might happen than living ones life assuming that it will.

I am all for women combining careers and motherhood and I think that it can be a satisfying and rewarding path, but I have equal respect for women and their husbands who decide as a unit that their family will run best if one of them stays at home.  To make this decision with the person that you have decided to spend your life with and trust enough to have children with is,to me, both rational and intelligent and not a sign of weakness or naivety.

Bennetts cites Freud and the developmental psychologist Erik Erikson who both defined work and love as the two essential components of a mature, healthy adult life and concludes that there’s no good reason why women should settle for less.  I wholeheartedly agree, but as many volunteers will testify work does not need to be paid to be satisfying and I would suspect that any full time mother would feel that they certainly do a working role.

For me, the empowering aspect for women is the ability to choose the role that they play in their family life.  Whatever decision you make, you should trust your instincts and feel proud of your achievements whether they take place in the boardroom or the home.

Executive and Life Coach, Rachael Wood, www.ogilviedavies.com can be contacted at Rachael@ogilviedavies.com and is an accredited full member of the Worldwide Association of Business Coaches

There has been much public debate as to whether the wives of these philandering celebrities should stand by their men or leave them, and as I write this the current status seems to be that Cheryl Cole (no children) wants a divorce, Toni Terry (two small children) is staying and declaring that her marriage has never been stronger and Elin Nordegrin (two small children) has yet to make a definitive decision.

Each set of individual circumstances are unique and no one is in a position to know better than the people in it whether a marriage is worth saving but what is true is that relationships are based on trust, and when trust has been broken by infidelity, it’s very hard to repair the damage however much you smile and hold hands for the media.  The person who has been deceived may feel worthless and victimized and in the same way that a broken vase will still show the cracks long after it has been repaired, a marriage that survives infidelity may become strong again but will never be the same relationship that it was prior to the affair.  People are, in certain circumstances, able to forgive, they are, if determined enough, able to move on, but they never really forget.

We feel full of hope and excitement when entering into a new relationship and see a beautiful journey leading to a rose covered cottage stretching out ahead of us.  Although seen as unromantic, it is important to make our expectations of a relationship clear from the very beginning. Although people often assume their significant other will be faithful, communicating those expectations is vital in ensuring that you have the same expectations of the relationship.  It also begins a process whereby you form lines of communication that will hopefully remain open and well utilized as your relationship progresses. It is important to make it clear that for you there are no circumstances in which infidelity is acceptable and also to discuss honestly the consequence of infidelity, as well as other matters so that both parties know where they stand from the outset.

The causes of infidelity are as varied as the people involved.  It appears that for Tiger Woods and many celebrities before him, infidelity is something that they were unable to control due to an addiction to sex.  Indeed a whole industry of therapy has sprung up to treat those so afflicted although there is little statistical data available on the success rates of these programmes.  Others, such as Ashley Cole, blame their spouse for neglecting them, making them feel lonely and thereby pushing them to cheat, (although this inevitably begs the question as to how millions of people who also have incredibly busy partners and spend time alone manage quite successfully to remain faithful). Ironically another common excuse / reason for an affair is that the perpetrator felt pushed into it because they were suffocated by their spouse who was around too much and did not give them enough personal space. Ultimately, if an unhappy person wants out of a relationship or wants to have an extracurricular fling, they will attempt to justify their unfaithfulness any way they can.

Once an affair has been discovered, the guilty party naturally wants to limit the damage to his/ her own relationships with family and friends and this is why they will try to magnify their partner’s deficiencies in order to make their own actions look understandable if not laudable. In reality, it is rare that the damage to a relationship is completely one-sided, and whilst one person may be entirely responsible for choosing to have an affair, both parties must be responsible for the evolution of their relationship to that point.  More often than not, it is the communication lines that go first as nights in front of the television replace nights sitting together talking and exhaustion of daily life replaces the excitement felt at the beginning of a relationship.

Celebrity or not, people react differently when they find out their spouse or significant other has been unfaithful. Some react with anger and aren’t willing to forgive, while others are determined to save the relationship at all costs. Initial feelings of desperation and forgiveness quite often turn into anger and resentment as time goes by and, those who find forgiveness easily immediately after the discovery of an infidelity can often find themselves in a much more hostile environment a few months down the line.  After reality has fully set in, and the initial wave of support of friends and family has died down a little, the injured party may realise that their feelings for that person have actually permanently changed and that what they thought they were fighting to save has actually already disappeared.

As the old saying goes, one good turn deserves another, but some people think that one bad turn also deserves another. Revenge is a very self-destructive way to deal with infidelity. Finding out a spouse or significant other has been unfaithful tempts some to try and get back at that person by also having an affair. They think they will feel better after hurting the offender in the same manner in which they were hurt. In reality, the person initially deceived by their spouse or significant other will end up feeling even more pain in the long run, and any chances to save the relationship will be even further out of reach. Having a vengeful affair not only uses another innocent person with feelings, but it puts the final nails in the coffin of the relationship.

Due to various circumstances, some people were never meant to be together in the first place, and nothing could prevent the decline of the relationship. In other cases outside influences and situations were partially to blame for the demise of the situation, indeed sometimes it is the perception of being ‘untouchable’ which leads some people to feel that they can act without consequence.  Whatever the circumstances that surround the breakdown of a relationship, those involved must examine the root of the problem. If it is determined that the couple should have never been together in the first place, it’s best they part ways. Those who find themselves understanding what went wrong can work toward repairing the damage so long as both parties are sincere in their words and actions. Although the trust that initially held the relationship together may never again be as strong, and certainly the relationship will never again be the same, it is possible for a couple to survive infidelity and learn from past mistakes in order to enjoy a satisfying relationship in the future.  Whether the marriages of Messrs Woods, Terry and Cole can do the same has yet to be seen.

Executive and Life Coach, Rachael Wood, www.ogilviedavies.com can be contacted at Rachael@ogilviedavies.com and is an accredited full member of the Worldwide Association of Business Coaches.

Do you ever ask yourself where you will be in 5 or 10 years time? It can be a daunting question to answer and consequently most of us don’t challenge ourselves to think about it. Amid the daily maze of family and work responsibilities, activities and projects it can sometimes be hard to see the big picture and easy to become overwhelmed or feel like you’re lacking direction. Frustrations with feeling stuck in our careers or our personal lives can snowball and feel insurmountable in the context of our complicated modern life.

That’s where a coach can come in. By creating clarity out of chaos working with a coach enables you to focus on the aspects of your life which you find frustrating, to examine why you continue to make the same choices that make you unhappy and to make behavioural changes in order to increase you sense of happiness and peace of mind.

Coaches often specialise in specific areas such as relationships, careers or personal growth. Their skills include the ability to motivate, offer support when clients need a boost in confidence and help them decide which direction to take. Traditionally, family members would have filled this role but as extended family has become more fragmented and divorce increases, it falls to a professional to provide counsel.

A big part of the process is figuring out where you are in your life and where you want to be, but for many people, being asked to set career or personal goals is confusing. An executive or life coach will work with clients to turn dreams into reality by creating a roadmap to get from the present to their vision of the future.

Executive and life coaches are part of a growing profession. The International Coach Federation (ICF) says it has more than 12,000 members worldwide, a number which has doubled in just five years. Likewise, the Worldwide Association of Business Coaches (WABC) reports that coaching is one of the fastest growing professions in the United States.

It is important not to confuse coaching with therapy. In very simplistic terms, a therapist will work to heal the wounds of the past in order to resolve issues in the present while a coach will support you as you move forward into the future. If a potential client is insistent that their own life’s frustrations are the fault or responsibility of someone else then a good coach would suggest that counselling or therapy might be a more appropriate response in the first instance. Once the historical issues have been addressed and resolved, coaching may be the right option to move forward decisively and effectively.

Obviously another big difference is that while therapists try to help people with problems, coaches spend a lot of time working with already healthy and successful people to further improve their lives.

Finding the right coach for you is not a simple task in itself. Unfortunately, executive coaches and life coaches are not regulated. There are numerous coach training programs across the country, but no one national standard for certification. Associations like the ICF and WABC have their own credentialing programs, but there is no requirement for anyone who wants to practice coaching to take part.

Just like hiring any professional, you should do some homework and shop around before choosing an executive or life coach. Since it’s someone you’ll be working with closely, and probably revealing a lot of personal information to, it’s key to look for someone with whom you feel at ease in terms of both their personality and communication style. Coaches with a background in business will tend to have a more direct approach, where as those with a background in hypnotherapy or other alternative therapies will often have a softer style.

I would recommend talking to three or more prospective coaches and requesting two or more references from each. Good coaches will be more than happy to provide these and will not try to pressure you into making any hasty commitment. You should ask lots of questions, including how much experience they have, how many people they’ve worked with and what specific successes they’ve had in helping their clients. The top coaches will have full client schedules and so it is often better to be patient and wait a week or 2 for a space will a busy coach than to sign up to someone purely because they are available immediately.

Both the ICF and the WABC allow you to search for accredited coaches on their websites and both provide further information and resources on the coaching industry.
Once you have found a coach be prepared to make at least a 3 month commitment to the process during which you’re likely to talk with them once a week or more, in person or by phone. In addition, you will have ‘homework’ in the form of questionnaires or tasks to help you move forward most efficiently in the time available.

A relationship with an executive or life coach is not simply one of the trappings of the rich or famous, it can be an extremely productive way of identifying and achieving your career or life goals. The process will require hard work, commitment and often some painful revelations along the waybut equally a successful partnership with a coach is one that can genuinely see your dreams turn into your reality.

Executive and Life Coach, Rachael Wood, www.ogilviedavies.com can be contacted at Rachael@ogilviedavies.com and is an accredited full member of the Worldwide Association of Business Coaches

It is a good discipline for all of us to review our careers regularly to ensure that we stay motivated and satisfied with our roles and that we are being the very best that we can be. 

For those of us who decide that it is time to find a new job, unfortunately the process is not as simple as sending in our brilliant (and mostly accurate) CV, asking for an outrageous salary (with full benefits, perks, and a generous signing bonus), and waiting for the letter one week later confirming our appointment.  It requires organization and focus and the element most likely to trip people up on the road to their dream job is the interview.

It’s your chance to sparkle, to show your future boss that you are smart, funny, quick on your toes, able to communicate, and relatively stable.  Yet the social skills that we all practise every day are immediately forgotten in an interview situation and we transform from articulate and proficient conversationalists into monosyllabic androids only capable of giving one word answers, whilst hunched up in a chair staring at the coffee stain that we have noticed on the carpet.

However, whilst every job will have different required elements in an interview, by remembering a few simple rules you can greatly increase your chances of getting hired.

Do your research. 

In my years as a headhunter I never failed to be amazed at how many people would turn up for an interview knowing absolutely nothing about the company that they were claiming to want to work for.  The internet makes research very easy to do and a quick search for a company’s website, any publically available information on performance and the last few months worth of press comment will arm you with enough background to be able to ask relevant questions. 

If you are interviewing at a small private company for which there is little information available, search the industry sector instead. Make notes so that you can read them jut before you go into your interview, although you will probably already know the information the positive act of refreshing your memory will give you confidence.

As important as it is to know about the company, you also need to research the person who will be interviewing you.  Clearly, you don’t have to know the interviewer’s shoe size or what they like to eat for breakfast but their name (including correct pronunciation) and job title, how they fit into the organization and any personal information that may be available on a company website profile will all help you to make a connection with them.

Many people would say ‘dress to impress’ for an interview and whilst I would agree I would caveat it with, dress to impress the person who is interviewing you.  Yes, they want to see that you have made an effort, but an effort to fit in with their organization and culture specifically shows an understanding of what the company is about and the more likely you are to fit in the more likely you are to get the job. 

If you are applying for a job in a large bluechip organization then dress to look groomed and conservative.  Corporations whatever their literature promises, want people who will fit into their structure seamlessly and not rock the corporate boat.  Show that you have personality and spark with your conversation not your attire. 

If you are looking for a more creative role then you can relax a little and show a little more personality in our outfit but don’t get carried away- interviews are all about convincing someone that you are just like them and that you are going to fit in to their world, if you are too individual in how you present yourself you drastically reduce your chance of doing this.

Show yourself to be organized. 

It makes logical sense that if you look like you are in control, you are also telling your interviewer that you will be in control for them. That is why it is crucial to pay attention to the details on interview day – don’t be late, interviewers have schedules to keep and won’t care that the tube was delayed, your cat went missing or you dropped coffee down yourself and had to change. 

Things can go wrong so leave yourself plenty of time to get there and if you are early, stop for a coffee round the corner or just sit on a bench and get your thought together.  It is better to get there an hour early than even five minutes late.   Make sure that you bring extra copies of your CV, a pad and multiple pens (one will always decide not to work at the crucial moment!).

The key to a successful interview is for both sides to come out having enjoyed it and there are a number of little tricks that can help make that happen.

Offer a firm handshake but not one that crushes the interviewers fingers.  Firm exudes confidence and grace, crushing will only remind them of an irritating older sibling when they were children.  

Make eye contact but don’t stare, again try to imagine that you are talking to a friend.  You want your eyes to sparkle and be alive in order to really engage the other person.  Staring or wandering eyes will make you look bored.  Smiling will help to make your eyes light up so begin the interview with a smile and try and keep it going.  Smiley people come across as confident team players, which is what most employers are looking for.

Before you sit down and the interview formally begins try to find something to compliment in an easy and relaxed way.  Anything personal is too direct and may come across as creepy but comments on the office environment or the neighbourhood make you look observant and relaxed, which again exudes confidence. 

If you are offered a drink, then take one.  Again, it will make you look relaxed and as if you are looking forward to the conversation rather than wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible.  Equally, taking sips of your drink will buy you a little extra thinking time with your answers.

The most important thing of all is to make it a conversation not a series of questions that you give answers to and sit silently waiting for the next question. 

The most likely candidate to get a job is always the one that the interviewer liked the most, the one that they felt that they had the most in common with and that they shared a vision with.  In many ways an interview is very like a first date; if it is stilted and awkward with one person asking questions and the other answering then it is unlikely that either of you would want to meet up again, but if conversation flows and is easy, you laugh and smile and feel like you have things in common you will be exchanging numbers by the end of coffee. 

Don’t feel that you have to do all of the talking either, where appropriate ask questions and get the interviewer to talk too.  Research has shown that interviewers who spend more than 50% of the time of the interview actually talking rated the candidate 3x more highly than those who spoke less.

Be wary of sharing too much personal information, particularly in response to questions about your weaknesses.  This is not the time for the brutal truth, in answer to the classic question “what is your area of weakness?” the correct answer is not that you have lousy attention to detail, are always late, hate having to get out of bed in the mornings or that you are incredibly shy, however true that may be. Instead, try to find something to say that isn’t a real weakness, but a slightly less-than-ideal characteristic such as “Sometimes I have a hard time saying no to people, and I end up taking on more than my share of work.”

Be equally wary of questions about why you left your old company and why you are interested in the new one.

These questions (or their offspring) are designed to make sure your interest in the new company is sincere and not due to you being fired and/or having serious problems at your former place of employment.  Wherever possible, be positive about your previous employer and look for proactive reasons for your move, such as “I had a wonderful time in my last role and learned a lot but feel that this company would offer me new opportunities and stretch me further.”  If you were fired from your last role and you are asked about it, keep the answer simple and brief. “It was a hostile environment in which many people were let go,” is a good way to handle it. Quick, easy, to the point.

Toward the end of interview, the interviewer is going to lean into you and say, “Do you have any questions for me?”  E

ven if you have managed to ask questions throughout the interview, you must have questions prepared at this point.Wherever possible, try and make them relevant to the interviewer to show interest in them as a person as well as the company, for example, “what is the best aspect of working for this company for you?” or “how would you say that your career has developed through working here?”  In both cases you are showing interest in the company and the individual as well as gathering information, which will enable you to ascertain whether the environment will be a good fit for you.

Always end the interview thanking the interviewer for their time and stating how interested you are in the position and ask what the next steps will be.  You look keen, proactive and organised – all desirable traits.

Finally don’t be fooled into thinking that your interview has ended when you walk out of the door. 

The follow up is equally important and this should start with a simple but swift thank you, ideally by letter.  This should be a simple note thanking that person for taking the time to meet you, saying how much you enjoyed your discussion, and how much you’d like to join the team. If you haven’t heard anything after a week then make a phone call. 

Clearly, you don’t want to be perceived as a nuisance, but a little perseverance never hurt anyone either. A friendly phone call after a week tells the employer that you are truly interested. The call will serve to remind the company about the incredible interviewee they don’t want to let go.

You can also ask (in a polite fashion) in about how long they’ll be making their decision. If that date passes and you still haven’t heard anything, call again. It’s not being pushy, it’s being persistant. Pushiness is bad, but persistence is good and if they have simply given the job to someone else and not told you then they deserve to have their own bad manners highlighted.

Excelling in an interview is a skill, and as such it can be learned, practiced and improved upon.  Doing so will certainly reap rewards and see you ending your interview process with the offer letter that you deserve.

Executive and Life Coach, Rachael Wood, www.ogilviedavies.com can be contacted at Rachael@ogilviedavies.com

The blonde was recounting a story about how she and her partner had arrived at a wedding just in time to see the bride and groom leaving the church because in spite of being horribly lost, her husband absolutely refused to stop and ask anyone the way. The brunette was outraged that having put their children to bed singlehandedly every night this year and still greeting her husband with smiles and a glass of wine when he came in from late meetings or boys drinks, he by contrast was so stressed having done it once whilst she went to an exercise class that he couldn’t speak to her for over an hour and behaved as if he had just ‘negotiated world peace’. The redhead was marveling at how her fiancée would insist that he had lost his moisturiser every morning and frantically demand where she had moved it to, only for her to open the bathroom cabinet to find it in the same place that it was every morning. After each had told their story with much animation and hand waving, and sympathized with the grievances of her friends, their frustration turned to laughter and they relaxed into the rest of their lunch.

This was fascinating to me on a two levels: firstly it was a wonderful example of how the differences between the sexes continue to frustrate and annoy despite the number of self-help books on the market, and secondly it demonstrated how effective talking is for women as a means of stress relief.

With the added pressures of the recession over the last couple of years, ‘Relate’ reports that 25 per cent of families admit to arguing more and that across the UK 66 per cent of their counseling centres have seen an increase in demand for their services. It is estimated that the number of divorces will rise this year and depressingly, websites offering introductions for married people looking for an affair have reported a sharp upturn in business, particularly from executives seeking to relieve stress and wives who feel that they have no one to talk to.

In a calm moment, most of us would accept that men and women respond differently to stress and difficult situations and whilst we can laugh about it objectively, in the heat of the moment those differences can seem insurmountable and start us on an unnecessary road to possible break up. With another difficult year ahead for many of us, it can be invaluable to spend a little time reminding ourselves that those traits that we find so irritating are in fact hard wired differences between the sexes.

Male brains respond to objects and their shapes, female brains respond to people and faces. Studies of babies from just a few hours to a few months old consistently demonstrate that boys like things, girls like people. At 12 weeks old, a boy will be better than a girl at locating a lost toy, but a girl will perform better at recognising pictures of family. These differences exist long before any social conditioning can take place and they are visible throughout childhood.

This trend continues into our adult lives and shapes how we deal with situations. Men, still programmed to literally ‘bring home the bacon’ (whether or not they actually are the main breadwinner) are most likely to define themselves by their work and accomplishments whereas women will assess their self worth by the quality of their relationships. This echoes our traditional roles, the man as the hunter and problem solver providing food for survival and the woman as nest defender ensuring the existence and survival of the next generation. Studies in the 1990s showed that 70 – 80 per cent of men saw work as their most important role and that the same number of women reported the family as their greatest priority.

When under pressure, a man sees talking about the situation as interference to solving the problem; a woman finds the act of talking a stress relief in itself. A man, with his competitive and protective instincts, wants to find space and quiet to solve the problem and come back to the woman with a solution, a woman, with her focus on the quality of her relationships, finds the process of working through the stress together as important as the solution itself. To a man, the woman’s need to talk is annoying and counterproductive, to a woman, the man’s need for space seems uncaring and disinterested.

These perceptions are the result of the differing organisations and priorities of the brains. Understanding that these differences exist can make co-existing with your partner easier.

Often, I am told of situations where a woman, having complained to her husband that she doesn’t feel appreciated, is bewildered when his response is to change a blown light bulb or mow the lawn. He is trying to show his appreciation by solving problems because this sense of achievement is what makes him feel better. He can’t understand why spending an hour talking would be valuable, because nothing tangible would have changed at the end of the activity. A man will often’complain, ‘nothing makes her happy’ referring to his provision of things, a woman will complain, ‘he doesn’t care’ referring to his inability to listen without offering solutions.

It is important to a man not to be seen to be wrong because they equate that with failure and this again goes back to the time when a man was solely responsible for providing food for his family. Weakness or mistakes could genuinely leave his family starving and this sense of responsibility remains in the brain even though the financial responsibility in families is now shared in most cases. When a woman says to a man, ‘why don’t you ask for directions?’ he hears, ‘you’re incompetent’. In an attempt to show his mate that he is capable of protecting and providing for her he will determinedly continue to drive around desperately hoping that he will somehow find his destination regardless of being utterly lost.

Under pressure, a woman’s speech function is activated and we talk. We will talk and talk to anyone who will listen, to our friends for hours, to our colleagues, even to the person on the checkout at the supermarket. We examine our problems from all angles, discuss past problems, how they link to our present problems and how these may lead to future problems; we can discuss many subjects at the same time and importantly, no conclusions are necessary.

Under the same pressure, a man will find that his logic and problem solving brain function is activated and he doesn’t want to talk about it, he wants to do something to solve it and reach a conclusion as quickly as possible so that he can move onto the next task. A man will take himself off, physically or mentally, to a quiet place so that he can examine the problem and come up with the right answer.

The problem when we come together in stress is that with such different coping and survival strategies it can be very difficult to successfully negotiate the issues as a couple. A woman talks, a man offers solutions, a woman dismisses them because a conclusion was not the aim, a man is then confused and so tries to minimize the problem by saying ‘forget about it, it’s not a big deal’, a woman then feels rejected because he didn’t care enough to just listen!

Relationships are tough, but in spite of the challenges and the fact that in modern society we do not need to follow the traditional roles of our ancestors, the majority of the human species still chooses to live with one significant partner whom they build their life with. Given this and the fact that very few of us are able to enjoy a stress free existence, a little effort to understand why the opposite sex behave the way that they do may make life easier to enjoy together. After all, if nothing else, the frustrations of our existence together provide both men and women with something to laugh about when they get together with other members of their own gender, and as we all know, laughter is an excellent antidote to stress!

Executive and Life Coach, Rachael Wood, www.ogilviedavies.com can be contacted at Rachael@ogilviedavies.com

Happiness is ephemeral, subject to the vagaries of everything from the weather to our ability to buy that delicious pair of Louboutin boots. And whilst it would be unrealistic to suggest that we can glide through life in a permanent state of euphoria, it is certainly true that we are able to choose a happier path for the journey.

Most of us know a trick or two that will raise a smile or break the tension in a difficult moment for others but we tend to be very bad at using those same techniques to make ourselves feel happier.  Yet, a feeling of well-being is known to have a positive effect on everything from our performance at work to our success in relationships.  Therefore it is definitely worth identifying what works for you and then practicing those techniques each day until it becomes habit.  What will be a conscious effort initially will soon become second nature, and when those dark clouds begin to gather over your day, you will be able to banish them and let the sunlight back in.

Ultimately it comes down to whatever works for you, but here are a few suggestions to try out.

1. Laugh out loud. Just anticipating a happy, funny event can raise levels of endorphins and other pleasure-inducing hormones and lower production of stress hormones. Researchers at the University of California, tested 16 men who all agreed they thought a certain videotape was funny. Half were told three days in advance they would watch it. They started experiencing biological changes right away. When they actually watched the video, their levels of stress hormones dropped significantly, while their endorphin levels rose 27 per cent and their growth hormone levels (indicating benefit to the immune system) rose 87 per cent, so even if you don’t have time today to sit down and watch something that will make you laugh, the thought of doing it will still have benefits.

2. Count your blessings. It is all too easy to go through the days focusing on what we have not achieved or what we don’t have which can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction and frustration. Research shows that people who pause, even just for a few minutes each day, to reflect on some positive aspect of their lives such as good health, a loving partner, happy children or loyal friends experience a heightened sense of well-being.  So next time you are wondering why your husband can’t put his socks in the laundry bin, remember that he is the same person who always makes you a cup of coffee in the morning.

3. Enjoy the present. Be comfortable in the moment. Instead of worrying about tomorrow’s packed work schedule while you have dinner with your family, focus on the present — the food, the company, the conversation.

4. Just say no. We are getting busier, with more and more of us needing to continue to work after having children life can feel like a 24 hour a day whirlwind of tasks that never get completed.  In addition, many of us find ourselves agreeing to take on additional tasks for friends or family thereby increasing the stress. Eliminate activities that aren’t necessary or that you really don’t enjoy.  By focusing on necessary or pleasant tasks you will make the best use of the time that you do have.

5. Go to sleep. We have become a sleep-deprived nation with many of us existing on an average of less than 5 hours sleep a night, yet the average adult watches more than 20 hours of television a week.  Taking the opportunity occasionally to exchange television for getting into bed at 8 pm with a good book and turning the light out an hour later to sleep can do more for your mood and outlook on life than any number of bubble baths or massages.

6. Make a list. There’s nothing like writing down your tasks or problems to help you organise your thoughts and calm your anxiety.  Even just writing the list down will create a sense of achievement and as you cross each item off the sense of fulfillment will increase.

7. Find your own oasis. Libraries, museums, gardens, and places of worship provide islands of peace and calm in today’s frantic world. Find a quiet place near your house or office and make it your secret getaway.

8. Be nice. Helping others enables you to put your own problems into perspective and also provides social interaction. While happy people are more likely to help others, helping others actually increases your happiness. One study found that volunteer work enhanced all six aspects of well-being: happiness, life satisfaction, self-esteem, sense of control over life, physical health, and depression.  Even simply wishing someone a nice afternoon will brighten their day and in turn make you feel good about yourself.

9. Smell yourself happy. The benefits of aromatherapy in relieving stress are real. Results show that the aroma of rosemary can lower anxiety levels and increase alertness and lavender can increase the feeling of relaxation.  With the variety of room-scenting methods available, from plug-in air fresheners to essential oil diffusers, it is very simple to fill your home with positive aromas.

10. Sing along. Music has a huge influence on our mood and playing music that makes you feel good as you get ready in the morning or on your journey to work can put you in the most positive place to start your day.  Studies show that music activates parts of the brain that produce happiness – the same parts activated by food or sex, and it’s also relaxing.   Try putting a play list together of music that you associate positively with, be that memories of a romantic moment or a fun filled night with your friends, those same feelings will be stimulated by the associated memories when you hear it and whether you sing along out loud in the shower or in your head on the tube you will find a smile coming to your lips.

Executive and Life Coach, Rachael Wood, www.ogilviedavies.com can be contacted at Rachael@ogilviedavies.com

This month traditionally sees memberships at health clubs and diet programs soar (the GMTV diet program alone has seen 60,000 people sign up to date this year), sales of alcohol and chocolate fall and enquiries for my services as a Life Coach increase 5 fold, yet by Valentine’s Day three quarters of us will have failed.

How can such apparently strong determination fizzle out so quickly? What can we do to increase the likelihood that our desire for improvement will translate into permanent positive change?

Let’s first examine the psychology of the New Year’s Resolution. During the month of December people tend to overindulge in eating, drinking, spending money and neglecting exercise. Rather than moderate these behaviors, we promise ourselves that once January is upon us, we will definitely take control. In the meantime, we give ourselves permission to overindulge without guilt.

Our resolve is at its peak when we feel full, drunk, or broke. It’s easy to think about going on a diet as we finish the giant tin of Quality Street and it’s no problem to plan to quit smoking when we’ve just had a cigarette and replenished our nicotine level. At this point we feel confident about our New Year’s resolutions because we have not yet confronted any prolonged physical deprivation or discomfort.

In early January, we are often so sick of rich food and drinks, and feeling so sluggish from lack of vigorous physical activity that it’s not difficult to abstain from overindulgence. In fact, in the very short term, many people will feel a natural high thinking about the achievements that they have not yet made but can fantasise about.

However, a few weeks into the new discipline, we start to feel deprived, we crave a cigarette or a glass of wine and we still can’t fit into those size 10 jeans. It is at this point that we are most at risk for reverting back to old behaviors.

With barrister like confidence we argue with ourselves that actually January is not a good time of year, what with the extreme cold weather and our numerous obligations. When spring comes, it will be much easier to get into shape when we can go on lots of long evening runs and the snow isn’t making it so difficult to get to the gym.

Before we know it, we have exchanged one promise for another, and, now free of guilt, we can put off habit change for another few months.  Almost certainly when spring arrives, we will have another temporary surge of motivation, only to abandon it within a few weeks and reset our start date for change to the summer.

Why do we abandon their resolutions? One reason is that we become discouraged when results don’t come quickly enough, particularly when the media surrounds us with celebrities who seem to experience total body transformations in just a few weeks.

We forget that in many cases, the people glowing and toned in the magazines are not also trying to fit in full time work, looking after children and getting to the supermarket.  The reality is that behaviour change will take time and requires sustained effort and commitment.

A second reason is that often, the changes that we desire are also accompanied by a degree of physical discomfort. For example, reducing food, alcohol or nicotine intake from a level to which you have become accustomed, results in cravings. Forcing yourself to get off the sofa to exercise is often difficult when you’re tired or cold and keen to catch up on what is happening in Coronation Street.  And of course, it’s all too easy to procrastinate until tomorrow.

Therefore, if you are going to make New Year’s resolutions this year, be sure you are ready for the challenge. Here are some tips to maximize your success:

1. Examine your motivation for change. Are you just feeling full and bloated at this moment? Do you have a hangover from last night? Did your last cigarette give you have a hacking cough? Or is there a more enduring reason for your desire to change? If you can’t think of a better reason than the fact that you’re uncomfortable at this moment, then you’re better off not making promises to yourself that you probably won’t keep. However, if you are realistic and accept the responsibility of discipline required for change, your motivation will be sustained long after the discomfort from over-indulgence has passed.

2. Set realistic goals. Habits and behaviors that are changed gradually have a greater chance of success.Visualise and write down where you want to be at the end of 2010 and then set yourself targets to reach throughout the year.  By having deadlines set for each month you are more likely to achieve each goal and motivation will stay high as you see yourself taking steps toward your ultimate target.

3. Focus on the behavioral change more than on the goal. For example, if you decide to control your eating, your goal for the day is not to lose a specific number of pounds, but to stick to your program. Such focus on your behavior will help you feel in control of your life. You will gain satisfaction from making sensible choices several times throughout the day.

4. Learn to redefine physical sensations of discomfort. Whenever we restrict ourselves, we have both physical and mental reactions.  A smoker will feel bodily sensations when the nicotine level drops in their body but there is a choice as to how these symptoms are interpreted.  We can choose to view them as extremely unpleasant and to be avoided or we can interpret them as evidence that we are on our way to achieving our goal as the nicotine leaves our body.  Likewise, those of us restricting food intake will also feel physical discomfort, the secret of the successful dieter is that they tell themselves that the hunger pangs are evidence that their behaviours are changing.

5. Make tasks non-negotiable. People who are most successful at implementing such changes are those who make their tasks non-negotiable.  If you debate with yourself at 5:30 a.m. whether you feel like getting up to exercise, you will probably opt for staying in bed for another half hour but if getting up for exercise is no more negotiable than getting up for work, then you’ll do it regardless of how you feel about it. The same goes for organizing your closet or taking charge of your finances.  We can almost always find an excuse not to do these things however, if you make a non-negotiable decision that’s based on a sound logical reason rather than on how you feel at the moment, you will be successful.  One trick if you feel your resolve waning is to ask yourself if you would complete the task if there was a million pounds riding on it.  If the answer is yes, then do it!

6. Allow for imperfection.No one is exactly on target all the time and it is important to expect to falter occasionally. If we do give in to temptation, the key is not to use this as an excuse to abandon the whole program.  Accept and learn from your mistake and move on.

7. Do it now. If you’re waiting for a more convenient time to begin behavioral change, it won’t happen. It’s almost never convenient to change ingrained habits. Now is absolutely the best time for change because if we never start the process we can never finish and achieve our goals.

Finally, look at change positively, as a gift to yourself.  Keep in mind an image of yourself once you have met your target and best of all remember that if you do keep your resolutions and make your changes this year, you won’t have to start the process again next January!

Having dedicated herself to her career for the last 20 years and having got used to achieving her goals in short timeframes she is experiencing real frustration that achieving her current goal of a family unit is far from straightforward.

She wonders whether she did meet the right man but at the wrong time when she was in her 20s and whether she was too hasty to sacrifice relationships for promotions.

Now, a decade later, she is wealthy, successful and popular but also single and childless.

Another client of mine in her early 40s runs a department of an investment bank and is married with two children.

She is consistently feeling guilty, either for not spending as many hours at the office as she feels she really should be or for not spending as much time with her husband and children as she feels that she should.

In both cases these women find themselves asking the question, ‘Is it really possible to have it all?’

It is not an uncommon scenario. In my own circle I have a number of glamorous, intelligent, high powered female friends who once in their mid 30s took a breath and realised that something was missing.

The lifestyle was jet set, bubbling with champagne and filled with trips abroad, nights out at the ballet and dinners with friends.

But there was a small knot in the stomach, which started to niggle and grew until there was no avoiding the fact that the champagne was tasting a little flat in the absence of a family life to go alongside the professional one.

Once the family and professional lives are running in parallel, there is often a feeling that neither is getting the attention that it truly deserves.

I also grew up devouring magazines that promised me great happiness if I focused on my career through my 20s and early 30s.

It is possible to have it all they shouted, get the career sorted, be financially independent and the handsome, fun husband and beautiful, angelic children will simply fall into place.

Whilst I accept that for the few this might be the case, I would argue that for the huge majority it is not.

If you’re going to assume top-level power and responsibility in your professional life, and be a fulfilling partner and mother at home you’ll be forced to make sacrifices somewhere.

In the corporate world, for all of our achievements, a woman still has a very different role and responsibilities from her male colleagues.

However many diversity and equality forums HR departments run this is simply a reality.

There are several options for the highly ambitious amongst us but each will involve a trade-off.

One option is the ‘house husband’, another is to work flexible hours, a third is to have really good childcare and a fourth is to take a sabbatical in order to have your children.

All involve compromises, which most male professionals never have to make.

In our erra of sexual equality, the ‘house husband’ seems on the face of it to be a perfect solution.

We simply swap traditional gender roles with our partner thereby allowing the children to be cared for by a genetic parent and allowing both adults to satisfy their own ambitions.

However, in many such situations all is not as rosy as it might seem. Both men and women can find the reassignment of roles difficult to accept, and I know of very confident women who refer to their househusbands as Consultants to explain their lack of a set working day.

Likewise, men can find it uncomfortable organising play dates with other mothers, attending toddler groups or coffee mornings and many report feeling isolated and ‘frozen out’ by the other mothers who find the role unnatural.

Flexible working arrangements are becoming more commonplace and give a woman the chance to balance parenting and working but it is unlikely to allow the woman to reach the top of the heap.

The reality is that the crucial client meeting is always going to happen at the clients convenience rather than your own and if you are not available 24-7 you will inevitably lose out to colleagues who are.

Good childcare allows more freedom in ones professional life but generally is restrictive in terms of hours.

In addition it must be a compromise on the life half of the work/life balance as it dilutes the parenting experience with someone else being there to see the first steps or hear the first words.

Taking a sabbatical is a high-risk option, as the space that you leave, even temporarily, in your workplace must be filled in order for the company to continue to function successfully.

For the highly skilled, it is possible to come back after a sabbatical to the top but for many, particularly in difficult economic times, a gap on the CV puts you at a disadvantage to others who have not made the same choices.

The woman who wants both a high flying career and a family faces other daily challenges; when the school calls they ask for mum, when your child is sick they will want their mum, when friends want to organise a dinner they will check the diary with a woman.

Sociologically women bear most of the weight in running a family and raising children and for those of us who wish to combine this with a career path there needs to be an acceptance that it will be a path of compromise.

Even Carol Bartz, CEO of Yahoo who looks like she has achieved the dream admits that whilst she makes every effort to see her daughter every day and balance her work/life responsibilities there are times when she has to compromise her parenting experience.

She says, ‘women have more of a burden on them to manage the house and manage the children and manage the school interface.’

The key therefore is to accept early on that there will be compromises to be made and to choose what those compromises will be in your own situation.

Energy spent feeling guilty at what you have not been able to do would be much better spent focusing on what you can.

Work out a schedule for your week ahead, ensuring that work and family are assigned time and try to stick to it whilst accepting on Monday morning that the week will inevitably look different to the plan by Sunday evening.

Try to enjoy the moment and get what you can out of the present rather than living in the past or the future and remember to appreciate what you have instead of always looking for something else.

Executive and Life Coach, Rachael Wood, www.ogilviedavies.com can be contacted at Rachael@ogilviedavies.com

We are all aware that we feel great after a really good nights sleep but recent research suggests that the effects of sleepless nights are far more significant than just drinking a few more espressos the next day. A weakened immune system, stress, depression, lowered brain function, and perhaps most surprisingly of all, weight gain, are all associated with lack of sleep. Crucially, just a single night of interrupted sleep is enough to trigger symptoms that can lead to a vicious circle as the symptoms themselves make sleep harder to achieve.

Sleep Specialist at the University of Surrey, Dr Neil Stanley says, “Sleep deprivation interferes with leptin and ghrelin – the hormones that help regulate food intake. Sleeping less than seven hours a night can cause you to feel hungrier than those who sleep well.” Dr Stanley points out that to compound the problem, gaining weight, “plays havoc with your hunger hormones and this increases your risk of suffering from certain sleep disorders.” As we get more fatigued, we are less likely to exercise and more likely to eat fatty foods, which can lead to depression and illness.

Our bodies produce protein molecules while sleeping, and these help to mend the body at a cellular level. Damage from stress, pollutants, infection, sun exposure and so on, is then repaired while we sleep. In addition, sleep helps reduce levels of inflammation in the body, which in turn reduces the risk of heart disease, strokes and heart attacks and also helps to keep blood pressure and cholesterol low.

As we sleep our brain is busy organizing and processing memories and sleep deprivation interrupts this thereby making it difficult for us to concentrate or recall facts, faces or even conversations. One of the great benefits of sleep is that it increases both our retention and understanding of information by enabling our brains to better process new information and experiences.

Sleep also reduces stress by lowering the elevated levels of stress hormones that are a result of the 24/7 culture in which we live. Dr Frank Lipman, author of ‘Spent: End Exhaustion and Feel Great Again’ believes that, “Modern lifestyles have removed us from nature’s rhythms. We are built to sleep when the sun goes down and wake it rises yet very few of us are living this way. People are overwhelmed because they don’t switch off.” Social forecasters, Future Foundation, found that only 1 in 3 of us feel that we enjoy uninterrupted sleep in an average week with 7 per cent of us complaining that we never have a good nights sleep. The research concluded that our lifestyles are to blame for this with the average number of activities that we take part in having doubled since the 1970s. If we are not working, we are socializing and increasingly even when we are alone we are surfing the net, watching tv or ‘Twittering’. The physical effects of fatigue-induced stress include an increase in the aging and degeneration of organs, cells and other body parts. By reducing high levels of stress, sleep helps to reverse these effects and encourages us to relax.

However, even the most aggressive social animals amongst us can regain some control by tackling our unhealthy sleep routines which in turn can help us to rebalance, feel healthier and even lose weight.

The London Sleep Centre recommend establishing and sticking to some simple rules, focused on retraining our brains. These include restricting sleep to 7 and a half hours per nights and banning any daytime naps in order to reinforce that sleep needs to happen at night. Removing electrical equipment from the bedroom is also necessary so that our bed only has associations of sleep (or sex), this includes banishing mobile phones and BlackBerrys as well as getting rid of the television. A ‘wind-down’ ritual helps to trigger sleep associations in the brain and whether that manifests itself as a long relaxing bath or a milky drink will depend on personal choice and available time. Getting ready for bed in dimmed lighting also triggers our natural body clock to feel sleepy and dressing for bedtime in comfortable, loose clothing again tells the brain that it is time to sleep.

For most of us who are juggling work, partners, children and the extra pressures and celebrations of the season, creating much more time to sleep seems impossible. However, by making a few adjustments to our sleeping environment and routine, we can increase quality of the sleep that we get.

And if the research is to be believed, with better sleep we can even have that extra mince pie without feeling the effects when we stand on the scales the next morning…

Executive and Life Coach, Rachael Wood, www.ogilviedavies.com can be contacted at Rachael@ogilviedavies.com

I know of families for whom the negotiations as to where Christmas will be held and who is expected to attend begin as early as May.  Pressure is heaped upon grown up children who perhaps fancy a Christmas on the slopes with their friends to stay and be with their extended families.  Some will even resort to emotional blackmail in order to achieve the perfect Waltons style Christmas, indeed one grandmother that I know of has been insisting that this will be her ‘last Christmas’ for more than 20 years.

If such political negotiations were not stressful enough with the inevitable outcome that you are going to offend somebody, add into the mix the shopping for presents and food, the torrent of Christmas parties for which we have to look fabulous, the wrapping, the cooking, the hosting, the surprise guests who just ‘pop in’ and it is a wonder that any of us have the energy to face the day itself let alone to enjoy it.

The stress of the season is exacerbated by the fact that we tend to eat and drink more (of the wrong things) and exercise less as we approach the holidays.  Late night shopping trips after work andseasonal socialising leave us tired and exhausted and the never ending images of smiling, perfect families against backdrops of glamorous, sparkling Christmas scenes in glossy magazines set expectations unrealistically high. 

In fact, psychologists believe that most of us suffer from stress at Christmas although we may not be aware of it. Christmas is a time of extra responsibility, and a radical shift in daily patterns that can contribute to increasing levels of stress, which are often passed off as tiredness, being under the weather or just a hangover.

Anna Pearson, relationship therapist and an accredited member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy sees her workload increase significantly around Christmas and says, “for many couples, this time is one of dread as they each try to satisfy the different rituals of their separate families with the result that a great number actually find themselves spending Christmas apart.”

In addition, Anna believes that, as with any anniversary, Christmas marks the passing of another year and for those who have experienced loss of any kind it can be a very melancholy time.    She says, “we all have strong emotional ties to Christmas from childhood and it can take people by surprise that their mood is lower than they expected.As a result, people tend to inaccurately attribute their sadness to external factors, resulting in frustration with those around them, rather than recognising that there is an internal cause.”

Anna suggests that preparation is key to minimising the stress of the festive season and believes that it is important to be clear on what you want to achieve and put in place a plan for actually making it happen.  She suggests that couples and new families who want to exchange the festive rituals of their childhood for new ones created together communicate clearly with each other and their extended families. “It is natural for our children to strive for independence as they grow up and as parents we encourage this,” she says, “but the sensitivity of Christmas can make it more difficult to accept.  Allowing our children to make their own choices without guilt is a wonderful gift in itself and the new traditions and rituals that result can be as delightful as the old.” 

Anna also believes that it is important to be kind to yourself over Christmas and if there is a loss which you are holding inside, you should find some time to yourself to be with your memories.  “Awareness of a potentially emotional time following a loss is crucial,” she says, “by allowing yourself a moment of quiet to remember, you are free to enjoy the rest of the festivities.”

The truth is that good planning and organisation will minimise a lot of the pressure of the season.  Trust me, behind every smiling and relaxed host who assures you that they have just thrown everything together at the last minute will be a military style campaign of preparation.  But don’t give up if organisation is not your strength as by following just a few simple steps we can all ease the stress of planning the perfect Christmas.

Write lists.  For everything.  And don’t lose them.  Lists written with a clear head on a relaxed Sunday in November will be invaluable as you rush around the shops with the panic rising in late December. 

Set a budget and stick to it.  Be clear on whom you are giving presents to and keep the list as small as possible. Particularly in these economic times, it is pointless and expensive to exchange gifts with friends and colleagues for the sake of it so agree to exchange good wishes rather than gifts.

Plan ahead wherever possible.  Almost all of your shopping can be done in advance on the internet thereby avoiding the crowds and you can even arrange for your supermarket shopping to be dropped off for you on Christmas Eve if you book your slot early enough.

Write out recipes and delegate as many of the tasks as you can to the people you will be spending Christmas with.  There are no extra prizes for completing every task by yourself and you are more likely to end up feeling resentful if you spend all day in the kitchen on your own whilst your guests and family relax.

Be realistic in your expectations. The family will fight, the gifts will disappoint, the dog will knock down the tree, and the turkey will be dry. It’s inevitable that something will go wrong and being able (or at least trying) to see the funny side will massively reduce the stress as well as creating some amusing Christmas stories for future years.  

Be kind.  To yourself and to others.  Finding 20 minutes to go for a run on a crisp December morning or half an hour in the bath surrounded by candles can rebalance your mind and make the tasks still to be completed seem more manageable.  Equally, spending an hour with the lonely pensioner at the end of your streetat Christmas will put things into perspective and bring some joy into someone else’s Christmas at the same time.

Above all, remind yourself that this is a time to enjoy.  However you choose to celebrate your Christmas, whether by staggering from one party to the next or quietly curling up next to a roaring fire, remember, “Tis the season to be merry”, not stressed.

Executive and Life Coach, Rachael Wood, www.ogilviedavies.com can be contacted at Rachael@ogilviedavies.com

Anna Pearson can be contacted via the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy website, www.bacp.co.uk